*Disclaimer – I did not do the math to see if these records would work out based on matchups and schedule. In the immortal words of Chevy Chase, “I was told there would be no math.”

**Disclaimer 2 – The opinions and views expressed in this piece are not necessarily those of the TBL2 league or its affiliates.

In the blink of an eye, the 2025 season is upon us. The NFL draft has come and gone, but not before giving us one of the most significant draft slides in recent memory with the epic fall of Shedeur Sanders. I’m pretty sure I have a draft magazine that has him on the cover, as arguably the top QB in the draft. It will be interesting to see if he can overcome this auspicious beginning to his NFL career and become an NFL starter. Free agency frenzy followed the draft, and though this year’s crop of talent seemed sparser than usual, there were deals to be had. Finally, the TBL2 draft was completed in about a week, and it sure felt like the quickest draft we’ve ever had. Because I’m a BLB whore, I decided to do a “way too early and hastily researched predictions” article to try and earn a little extra spending money for the Ass Pennies franchise. Maybe THIS will be our year…

(As I have never met any of you in person, please don’t take offense to anything written here. It’s purely for fun, and I tried to be honest without being mean or negative. I just thought you might want something new to read in the bathroom.) Enjoy!!!

1. Double Sluggo: The cream of the crop last year, Sluggo fell just short in the championship game and had to settle for 2^nd This team is elite at every offensive position with studs like Lamar Jackson, Bijan Robinson, Justin Jefferson, and Malik Nabers, who he just casually added in the offseason. Oh, and A.J. Brown. And Josh Jacobs. And Mark Andrews. And Budda Baker. And Myles Garrett. Get the picture? The bench runs deep everywhere as well, except maybe at running back, but as long as they stay healthy at the top, that won’t matter. We haven’t even mentioned Chris Godwin, who looks to return at some point. Sluggo will be a tough out each week, and they look to be the team to beat again this year.

Prediction: 15-2, Division Champs

2. Jakku Resistance: One of the better squads last year, Jakku is unfortunate to play in the same division as Sluggo, and the toughest division in the league last year top to bottom. I thought Sluggo had a disgusting (read “great”) wide receiver corps, then I looked at this one. Chase, Lamb, Nico, and Waddle. Yikes. Add Jalen Hurts and Aaron Jones to the mix, and I have a feeling he will be on the “favorites” side of the sports book pretty much every week. The injuries are stacking up, so that is a concern. But the main weapons are healthy and ready to rock. Jakku also boasts two elite defenders in Warner and Cross, so if you thought you would make up points there, think again.

Prediction: 13-4, 2^nd place in the division, Wild Card berth

3. Rockin’ Squatches – Last year’s champion, it seems a bit disrespectful to rank the Squatches at 3, but these top 3 are all really close, so it wouldn’t surprise me one bit to see them at the top. They don’t feature an elite quarterback, but a very solid starter with high-end upside in Stroud and a lot of promise in the NFL’s top pick this year with Ward, there are no worries here. Four “set ‘em and forget ‘em” running backs, including 2 first rounders in Gibbs and J. Taylor, make this one of the top running back rosters in the league. The wide receiving group includes McLaurin, who finally signed and should be ready to pick up where he left off, as well as the greatest collection of team WR2s I've seen: Higgins, Pickens, Jamo Williams, and Addison could all probably be (or already have been) the top dog on a lot of other NFL teams. The tight end room is the only real concern for this offense, but if Kincaid can take the next step, that might be all it takes to launch the Squatches to championship glory. They have elite defensive players across the board as well, so no worries on that side of the ball either.

Prediction: 12-5, Division winner

4. Jager Bombs – I expect a bounce back year from the Jager Bombs after a disappointing 2024 campaign. They feature a solid trio of signal callers with the seasoned veteran Goff, the young veteran Purdy, and the young phenom Bo Nix. Among the top rooms here. If McCaffrey can stay healthy (and all the vibes so far have been great), Jager looks to be extremely dangerous. Conner and Kelce round out the veteran contingent, and McConkey, DeVonta Smith and Garrett Wilson make for a formidable set of receivers. I have a feeling that Travis Kelce-Swift will ride off into the sunset this year, his last, with a bounce back campaign. Hot take: he scores 15 touchdowns to honor his bride-to-be. Even if Kelce-Swift looks closer to the player we saw last year, the backup tight end room here is fine. If the defense can rally behind Lavonte David, Jager Bombs should easily return to the playoffs. RB depth as well as WR depth to a lesser extent might be an issue at some point. They also play in the toughest division in the league.

Prediction: 12-5, 3^rd place in division, Wild card berth

5. Ozarks – The number two overall points leader last year, Ozarks ran into a buzzsaw in the semifinals and had to settle for a 3^rd place finish. They looks good with Love at the helm, but they feature nothing behind Love apart from his backup in the form of the much-maligned Malik Willis. Cross your fingers that Love and his O-line keep him upright and healthy. Having the best back from last year in Saquon Barkley always means that this is a dangerous foe. Cook finally signing with Buffalo should be a relief, and the trio of wily veterans in Nacua, Diggs, and Davante Adams provides a solid group, even if they’re heavily invested in the Rams passing attack. The Mixon situation is one to watch, and some unexpected bench injuries could be a problem when bye weeks roll around. Elite TE Kittle makes this starting lineup one to be feared. We’ll see if the defense can complement the offense and bring Ozarks another playoff run.

Prediction: 11-6, Division Winner

6. Nea Kameni – A perennial force, Kameni looks strong again this season. Herbert is capable of being an elite passer, but we’ll see if Harbaugh allows him to be. The backup quarterback room could be a problem, with outcast Anthony Richardson and “for now” backup rookie Tyler Shough. The running back room features two studs in Kyren Williams and D’Andre Swift, but again, the bench is having some hardship with the injuries to Wright and Spears. There is some sneaky upside hiding in there with James and Pierce, though. London should be a target monster, and we’ve all seen what Jeudy can do – can Flacco still do it? Tyreek is perhaps the biggest question mark of the season – the vibes coming out of Miami are not great, though. As a lifelong Dolphins fan, I’m more than a little worried that this year is shaping up to be an absolute dumpster fire. The true strength of this team might be the defense, which has 5 of last year’s top 20 performers at their respective positions. That alone should raise this team up.

Prediction: 12-5, Division Winner

7. Ass Pennies – Reflective of the owner’s favorite team, the Dolphins, the Ass Pennies tend to wallow in mediocrity, or worse. Despite featuring an elite QB and TE, the Pennies typically can’t get out of their own way. After a disappointing 1-7 start last year, the team decided to reload the cannons with a mid-season semi fire-sale and loaded up on picks for this year’s draft. Josh Allen returns at QB, anchoring a hopefully solid room with youngster JJ McCarthy and Lego head Sam Darnold rounding out the crew. Running back remains a concern, but draft day trades for Breece Hall and Jordan Mason changed this room from “oh shit, what are we doing” to “okay, we can start some of these guys.” The wide receiver roster is full of young blue chip draft picks that should be very good, but Ass Pennies’ past draft record may indicate otherwise. Most exciting is the two-way phenom Travis Hunter, who should earn extra points by mixing in on the defensive side of the ball. Trey McBride gives this team a huge boost, and hopefully stays healthy, because the depth here is, well, like a kiddie pool. Is the defense good? That’s the question the owner asks himself every year. Time will tell.

Prediction: 11-6, Wild card berth

8. Guinness – Division winner from last year, Guinness had a rough day in round 1 of the playoffs and looks to avenge that early exit this year. There is always a chance when you’re rolling out “Joe Cool” as your team leader. With the Bengals defense looking to be putrid once again, despite (finally!) locking up premiere edge rusher Trey Hendrickson, there’s a real chance that Joey B could throw for 5000 yards and 50 TDs this year. As someone who is heavily invested in Ja’Marr Chase this year, I say “Wheels up!” The running back room is a question mark, with the word on the street being more volume for Gibbs and less for Montgomery. The preseason buzz around Treveyon Henderson has Stevenson’s role in question as well. Will Javonte be the lead back in Dallas? Guinness has this back protected with the speedster rookie Jayden Blue. This backfield won’t belong to Miles Sanders, will it? Will it? Surely not… I like a lot of the receivers in this room, though there may not be a true stud (I think Ridley or Pearsall will lead this team at the receiver position). Having the top TE in the league in Bowers raises up all other positions and makes this a true playoff contender. Another defense that features three to four (or more) top 10 players means trouble for opponents.

Prediction: 10-7, Wildcard berth

9. KingAJ86 – One of two new members this year, King AJ looks to make their mark on the league sooner rather than later. The quarterback room features a good mix with young hopeful Caleb Williams and an OLD veteran in Flacco. A lot of talk about Caleb making a 2^nd year jump with offensive guru HC Ben Johnson taking the reins. I LOVE this RB group. Headlined by the rookie phenom Jeanty, the King also features Bucky Irving and Tyrone Tracy, two later round picks that emerged to become feature backs. Gordon, Monangai, and Skattebo provide more rookie excitement, meaning this will be a really fun group to watch. Stud Brian Thomas Jr. and consistent veteran Mike Evans head up the receiving group that contains some players (Roman Wilson, Calvin Austin III, AD Mitchell) whose outlook is cloudy, but promising. The tight end room is top-notch as well with LaPorta, Njoku and Ferguson, all starters with huge upside. The only weakness here could be the defense – we’ll see how they complement this solid offense.

Prediction: 9-8, Second place in division

10. Grave Diggers – Hoping to improve on a middle of the road 9-8 record last year. Grave features two top signal-callers in Mahomes and Kyler. Both have the potential to be a top 5 finisher. Derrick Henry anchors the backfield with aging but still effective Ekeler and Najee “Dude, don’t hold that next to your face” Harris. The receiving corps features Marv. Jr., who looks to take the next step, and Rashee Rice, whose services will not be available until early midseason. The defense should be good, but Diggers may end up just missing again with a close-to-500 record. He also plays in tough division featuring my two top-ranked teams, and three of my top four.

Prediction: 9-8, Fourth place in the division

11. Crazy Con Men – A 7-10 finish was not what the Con Men were shooting for last season. They look to improve on that with an extremely solid QB room featuring Baker, Drake Maye, and Penix Jr. The only negative is that this could evolve into a “which stud do I start this week” situation. Chase Brown showed last year that he is a true game changer, and this running back room has two of my favorite later round picks in Charbonnet and Kaleb Johnson. Kendre Miller also now finally has a coach that doesn’t hate him (at least not yet), so this room should be good to go. I really like this assembly of receivers, too. Downs, Smith-Njigba, Wan’Dale Robinson, Odunze…there may not be an established stud here, but one or more of these guys could earn that label by the end of the year. They all look to soak up tons of targets. I really like Burden and Legette as well as bench depth. Tight end is a potential concern; Otton may be useful while Godwin is out, like he was last year, but when Tampa’s receivers are at strength, he can become an afterthought. I am excited about Arroyo, but he may have to wait to get his shot. I’m not sure what to make of this defense – there are some exciting names here.

Prediction: 8-9, Third place in division

12. JoeStradamus – Our illustrious commissioner, no one works harder than Joe. Unfortunately, I don’t know if hard work is going to get this team over the hump this season. Matthew Stafford will be the weekly starter – let’s hope the back issues go away, because there is nothing behind him but a slew of aging veterans who don’t have starting jobs. The running back room is top heavy with old reliable Kamara and exciting pre-season superstar Henderson. We’ll see if Chubb can still bring it – he should have his chance with Mixon out indefinitely. Ford should be startable while Cleveland figures out its backfield and what’s going on with Judkins. The receiving corps is a legitimate concern. The team needs Jauan Jennings to figure out if he wants to play in SF or not. Either way, this squad lacks a true wide receiver 1. There are some good tight ends here and it shouldn’t be an issue. Joe always boasts an elite defense, and this year is no different, featuring THE top 3 LBs from last year as well as the #2 DB. The defense alone should help him win a few games.

Prediction: 5-12, fourth place in division

13. Sweater Meat – Featuring arguably the deepest quarterback room of any team, Sweater Meat might be well served to trade away one or two of his backups to bolster his other positions. Either way, this team rolls out one of the most exciting young signal callers in Jayden Daniels. A great running back group complements the QB room, with Achane, Hubbard, Walker III and rookie preseason riser Omarion Hampton. The receiving room is led by the sun god Amon-Ra St. Brown, but looks a little suspect after that. I like Pop Douglas and Malik Washington a lot, as well as rookies Thornton Jr. and Pat Bryant. What brings this squad down is the lack of TE. And by that, I mean he literally has no tight end on the roster. If he can trade one of those QBs for a solid tight end, this ranking would be significantly higher. I also worry about the defensive squad. There are only six total defensive players on the team. With the injury rate of defenders, he may have no choice but to bolster this unit at some point.

Prediction: 6-11, Fourth place in division

14. The Process – The quarterback room here is okay. Fields has been the darling of the fantasy football community, representing a later round pick with lots of rushing upside. Can he figure out how to pass? Will Russell Wilson keep the job all year? The running back room is a little frightening. I like Allgeier, but he’s stuck behind one of the top 3 running backs in the league, so opportunities figure to be scarce. After that are more backups that need a lot of things to break their way in order to be playable assets. The wide receivers are clearly a strength for this team. Egbuka has experienced a meteoric rise this offseason, and he joins a solid crew in Flowers, Kupp, and Olave. If Aiyuk can get healthy, that makes this group even scarier. Bateman provides more reliable depth, and the Jimmy Horn buzz has been very good so far. The tight ends should be solid if not top end, and the defense has plenty of blue-chip talent which should help alleviate some of the issues in the running back room.

Prediction: 5-12, Second place in division

15. Big Possum Walks Late: Another new member of TBL2, Possum had a fire sale at the draft and looks to build his own legacy, his own way. But I don’t think it’s going to happen this season. The quarterback room does not feature a starter, so that is a problem. Gabriel could grab the job at some point, but the path to starting for the others is rough. It doesn’t get much better with the running backs, but he does feature the Etienne brothers, so that’s fun. The receivers are the clear strength of this offensive unit, with Sutton, DJ Moore, and Deebo leading the way. Rookie Matthew Golden is generating a lot of excitement, so they should have no problems here. The tight ends are okay. Who knows what Jonnu will do this year? He still has Freiermuth to deal with, but we know how Rodgers loves his tight ends, especially in the red zone (man that sounds kind of dirty). Possum features a dangerous DL with Burns and Leonard Williams, but it won’t be enough to keep them out of the cellar. But with a boatload of picks next year, I don’t think the Possum will play dead for long.

Prediction: 3-14, Third place in division

16. Fanny Dusters: Another team that could be looking at a long season. Jaxson Dart had a phenomenal preseason, but until he gets his chance, this team is another that doesn’t have a starting quarterback. Dylan Sampson is the only viable running back, and his role is still somewhat unknown. Quentin Johnston and Amari Cooper are the top receivers, which is less than ideal. The tight ends are a question mark as well, though Fannin Jr. has been getting rave reviews. He could be a factor early on. Cam Heyward anchors a defensive unit that features some exciting young players that will need to bring it to make this team competitive.

Prediction: 1-16, Fourth place in division

Thanks for spending the time to read my inane ramblings. Have a great season everyone!