All Shook Up: Gibbs Turns Red Zone Into Dead Zone
Coach Brian leaves RZA in Heartbreak Hotel!
Sunday at 1 League Newsletter – Week 10
“When Parity Meets Pandemonium”
Week 10 was a fever dream where Jahmyr Gibbs and Devon Achane became gods, and everyone else just paid rent in their fantasy world. The rich got richer, and RZA's bench got sadder.
Buffalo Soldier (115.24) def. The Shottenheimers (107.62)
Coach Dave and Lamar Jackson tag-teamed a much-needed W as Buffalo finally remembered how to football. The Broncos defense carried the team like a drunken uncle at Thanksgiving karaoke. Meanwhile, Coach Chris’s squad looked solid but uninspired — think Coldplay’s Ghost Stories but with fewer points.
Coach Dave: “I told them to hit like they owe me rent.”
Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (182.66) def. Red Zone Assassins (85.88)
Coach Brian unleashed the wrath of Jahmyr Gibbs, who singlehandedly buried the Assassins in the fantasy desert. Mac Jones channeled his inner Montana, and Drake London reincarnated Julio Jones. Coach John’s team, however, forgot touchdowns count. Rumor has it Brock Bowers was last seen at a casino with Coach Chris’s confidence.
Coach Brian: “We don’t rebuild — we remix and drop 180.”
Droppin’ Deuces (163.20) def. Jobu Needs a Refill (104.32)
Coach Brad came out swinging like he’d been constipated for weeks. Drake Maye delivered a cleansing performance, while Tez Johnson and Jameson Williams turned the game into a fireworks show. Jobu, meanwhile, couldn’t summon enough rum to save his lineup. Coach Rich’s voodoo doll clearly needs recalibration.
Coach Brad: “Sometimes you just gotta drop it like it’s hot.”
Cranjis McBasketball (138.76) def. The Year (113.60)
Coach Jackson’s crew hit the court hard — Nico Collins and George Kittle went full NBA Jam while Jordan Love looked like he’d rather be watching the game from Lambeau. Coach Neil’s team started strong, but the Vikings D performed like tissue paper in a rainstorm. The Year? More like The Decade of Disappointment.
Coach Jackson: “We don’t miss shots — just extra points.”
Fighting Jive Turkeys (162.62) def. Romulan Warbirds (152.10)
This one was a heavyweight slugfest. Connor’s Devon Achane went nuclear, dropping 52.5 fantasy megatons on Dennis’s hopes and dreams. Jonathan Taylor’s 64-point eruption wasn’t enough to save the Warbirds from spiraling into deep space. When your RB2 scores like a QB and you still lose, you light a candle and reevaluate your life choices.
Coach Connor: “I told Achane to score or find a new job.”
Steel Curtain (165.64) def. CRUSHERS (127.80)
Coach Jeff’s team hit the sweet spot between dominance and cruelty. Josh Allen led a buffet of touchdowns while TreVeyon Henderson reminded everyone why Jeff drafts like it’s the 2034 Rookie Draft. Coach Chuck’s CRUSHERS came in confident, left in pieces. Stafford threw TDs, but the rest of the lineup forgot their cue.
Coach Jeff: “Steel sharpens steel — and apparently crushes CRUSHERS.”
Weekly Crown – Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (182.66)
Coach Brian torched the league with a three-course meal of Gibbs, London, and JSN. A performance so hot it made Elvis blush.
Stud of the Week – Jonathan Taylor (64.6 pts, Romulan Warbirds)
Taylor carried his team, his division, and possibly the entire state of Indiana. Unfortunately, he couldn’t carry Romulan Warbirds to a win.
Dumpster Fire of the Week – Red Zone Assassins (85.88)
RZA looked like it was built entirely from waiver wire confetti. Mariota tried, Bowers cried, and we all sighed.
Lineup Blunder – D.J. Moore (0.00 pts, Fighting Jive Turkeys)
Coach Connor accidentally started a hologram. Didn’t matter. Achane’s explosion hid the evidence.
Upset of the Week – Buffalo Soldier over The Shottenheimers
The 3-7 Soldier pulled off the heist of the week, proving that sometimes blind hope, Denver’s D, and a lot of prayer actually work.
Power Rankings – Week 10 Edition
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Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (6-4) – From Vegas Elvis to legit contender.
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Steel Curtain (6-4) – Jeff’s team is allergic to losing lately.
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Fighting Jive Turkeys (6-4) – Gobbling up wins and respect.
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Droppin’ Deuces (5-5) – Flush with potential.
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CRUSHERS (6-4) – The armor’s cracking.
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Jobu Needs a Refill (6-4) – Out of rum and rhythm.
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Cranjis McBasketball (5-5) – Playing fantasy like it’s March Madness.
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The Year (4-6) – The end is near.
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Romulan Warbirds (4-6) – Space turbulence continues.
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The Shottenheimers (5-5) – Toilet Bowl déjà vu?
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Buffalo Soldier (3-7) – Rico Dowdle for MVP, apparently.
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Red Zone Assassins (4-6) – In desperate need of divine intervention.
Closing Thought ð'
Week 10 reminded us that fantasy football isn’t about logic — it’s about heartbreak, false hope, and pretending you knew Drake Maye would score 25. Keep those waiver claims hot, your smack talk hotter, and may your bench never outscore your starters again.
