PETE CARROLL INVITATIONAL:TOILET BOWL CHAMPIONSHIP
Red Zone Assassins (172.22) def. The Shottenheimers (134.82)
This was not just a toilet bowl. This was a full porcelain-shattering event.
Coach John kicked the stall door clean off its hinges behind a Brock Purdy masterclass. Nearly 48 points from Purdy, plus a nuclear Charbonnet game and vintage Ja’Marr Chase, turned what was supposed to be a shame parade into a victory lap. When the dust settled, the RZA didn’t just survive the Pete Carroll Invitational. They conquered it.
Coach Chris did what Coach Chris does best when money is not on the line. He showed up. Lawrence ran, Stevenson cooked, and Amon-Ra stayed reliable, but it wasn’t enough to keep up with a team playing like they suddenly remembered how fantasy football works. Puka tried to help. The Rams defense tried harder than expected. Still flushed.
RESULT:
Red Zone Assassins claim the Pete Carroll Invitational Championship
Prize: First choice of draft slot next season
Reward for losing: Emotional growth. Maybe.
Coach John: “We didn’t win the league. We won something better. Control.”
Coach Chris: “This checks out.”
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PETE CARROLL APPROVED FINAL VERDICT
RZA escape the sewer with power, leverage, and options.
The Shottenheimers exit the same way they entered. Loud. Entertaining. Ultimately irrelevant.
Next season starts now.
And somewhere, Pete Carroll is clapping aggressively and chewing gum in approval.
PCI Week 2
PETE CARROLL INVITATIONAL – ROUND 2 RECAP
Win and survive. Lose and clean the toilet bowl.
This round separated the teams who still care from the teams already Googling “early fantasy draft strategies.” No money on the line, just pride, shame, and Pete Carroll’s eternal grin judging everyone.
The Shottenheimers (205.36) def. Droppin’ Deuces (125.10)
When the money is gone, Coach Chris becomes unstoppable. Trevor Lawrence cooked. James Cook cooked harder. And then Puka Nacua absolutely committed fantasy arson with 56.5 points. This was not a matchup. This was Coach Chris reminding the league that his team is very good at the exact wrong time.
Coach Brad had some nice moments, but you cannot survive a nuclear Puka event. Droppin’ Deuces is officially flushed from the PCI.
Coach Chris: “Imagine if this mattered.”
Red Zone Assassins (159.50) def. Cranjis McBasketball (125.96)
Brock Purdy dropped five touchdowns like it was a Tuesday drill, Ja’Marr Chase did Ja’Marr Chase things, and the Red Zone Assassins showed up angry and focused. Meanwhile, Cranjis tried to win a playoff game while starting Kareem Hunt and Josh Jacobs in witness protection mode.
Coach Jackson fought hard, but this was the end of the road.
Coach John: “Still alive. Still annoying.”
WHO’S OUT
Droppin’ Deuces
Cranjis McBasketball
Please collect your participation trophies and exit through the gift shop.
WHO ADVANCES
The Shottenheimers
Red Zone Assassins
Both teams now stand one step from Pete Carroll Invitational glory, heading into the championship fueled by confidence, chaos, and zero concern for how they got here.
VIBE CHECK
Coach Chris is putting up historic numbers now that no one can stop him.
Coach John is fully embracing the “why not us” energy.
And Pete Carroll is somewhere clapping aggressively and chewing gum at unsafe speeds.
Championship round. The bowl is tiny. Pete Carroll chewed gum through your dignity and called it “competing.”
PCI WEEK 1
Because someone has to win the toilet bowl.
Red Zone Assassins (125.70) def. The Year (108.20)
And just like that, The Year is over. Coach Neil got solid effort from CMC and Kyren, but once again the supporting cast vanished like a bye-week defense left in the lineup. Herbert looked lost, Diggs was quiet, and the door slammed shut. Coach John advances behind Brock Purdy actually playing quarterback and Ja’Marr Chase doing exactly what superstars do. Survival secured. Elimination confirmed.
Coach John: “Survive and advance. Style points are optional.”
The Shottenheimers (233.00) def. Buffalo Soldier (139.20)
This one barely qualifies as a contest. Coach Chris unleashed pure postseason rage with a historic 233-point explosion. Trevor Lawrence went full boss mode, Amon-Ra became inevitable, and Puka lit the fuse. Coach Dave’s lineup wasn’t terrible, but that doesn’t matter when the other team is playing fantasy football on easy mode. Buffalo Soldier is officially bounced from the PCI after running into the wrong buzzsaw at the wrong time.
Coach Chris: “One loss and you’re out? Cool. Let’s make it memorable.”
PCI WEEK 1 BODY COUNT ☠️
Eliminated: The Year, Buffalo Soldier
Still Alive: Red Zone Assassins, The Shottenheimers
Blink and you’re gone. That’s the Pete Carroll way.
PCI WEEK 1 VIBE CHECK
Most Dangerous Remaining Team
The Shottenheimers — Coach Chris just dropped 233 like it was a warmup drill. If this keeps up, the Pete Carroll Invitational is about to turn into a highlight reel narrated by pain.
Cool and Calculated
Red Zone Assassins — Didn’t explode, didn’t implode. Just did enough to send Neil home and keep the engine running. Quiet teams are always the ones you regret ignoring.
Bye Week Menaces
Cranjis McBasketball — Watching from the shadows with a clipboard and bad intentions. Coach Jackson didn’t have to play, which somehow makes this more unsettling.
Droppin’ Deuces — Resting up, lurking, and absolutely capable of ruining someone’s week with zero warning and maximum embarrassment.
Best Seat on the Couch
The Year — Season ended exactly how it lived: decent effort, questionable decisions, and a lineup that always felt one tweak away from competence.
Worst Possible Timing
Buffalo Soldier — Ran into a buzzsaw powered by Trevor Lawrence, Amon-Ra, and pure disrespect. Eliminated before the popcorn finished popping.
Final Word
The Pete Carroll Invitational is officially underway, and the rules are simple: win or disappear. No consolation prizes. No “what ifs.” Just box scores, shame, and group chat receipts. If you’re still alive, congrats — you’re one bad lineup decision away from joining the eliminated.
Edited: Tue Dec 9 9:46am ET by Commissioner
WELCOME TO THE PETE CARROLL INVITATIONAL
Where everyone smiles, claps loudly, and pretends this is fine.
Congratulations to the brave few who have failed upward into the Toilet Bowl. You didn’t make the real playoffs, but you did earn an all-expenses-paid trip to the Pete Carroll Invitational, sponsored by excessive gum chewing and misplaced optimism.
Here’s how the parade of sadness lines up:
1. Droppin' Deuces
The top seed in the PCI. Missed the actual playoffs on tiebreakers, which is the fantasy equivalent of tripping at the finish line and landing face-first in a puddle. Enjoy your bye, king of the losers.
2. Cranjis McBasketball
Also eliminated on tiebreakers. Imagine needing one more yard, or one fewer fumble, or one correct lineup decision. Painful. But hey, you also get a bye in the tournament no one wanted to qualify for.
3. Red Zone Assassins
A dangerous team… if only games ended after the first quarter. Coach John enters the PCI like a drunk arsonist: unpredictable, chaotic, and somehow capable of blowing up his own chances at any moment.
4. Buffalo Soldier
The vibes were good. The record was not. Coach Dave limps into the PCI with a team held together by duct tape, prayer, and the ghost of Cooper Kupp’s past relevance.
5. The Shottenheimers
Once a playoff hopeful, now a cautionary tale. Coach Chris arrives in the PCI after a collapse so steep it should be studied by geologists. If inconsistency were a sport, he’d be a first-ballot Hall of Famer.
6. The Year
The league’s bottom-feeder swims proudly into the tournament he was destined for since Week 3. Leaving bye-week players active? A bold strategy. Maybe next season he’ll try this new thing called setting a lineup.
PLAYOFFS ARE COMING… AND SOME OF YOU SHOULD BE VERY NERVOUS
The bracket is finally taking shape, and if the season ended today, we’d have a three-way 7-4 royal rumble at the top and a chaotic five-team dogpile clawing for the last two wild card spots. Some teams are cruising toward a bye. Others are holding on with the grip strength of a wet napkin.
Here’s how the playoff picture looks if the postseason started right now.
Division Winners:
- Fighting Jive Turkeys (Ken Anderson Division) - 7-4 record
- Steel Curtain (Ickey Woods Division) - 7-4 record
- Hunka Hunka Bernie Love (Chad 'Ocho Cinco' Johnson Division) - 7-4 record
- Jobu Needs a Refil (Boomer Esiason Division) - 6-5 record
Wildcard Teams
The two wildcard spots go to the teams with the best records that did not win their divisions. Here, we have 5 teams currently tied at 5-5. Based the playoff tiebreakers, the current wild card teams are:
- Cranjis McBasketball (Ken Anderson Division) - 6-5 record
- CRUSHERS (Ickey Woods Division) - 6-5 record
Playoff Seeding
- Top 2 teams Fighting Jive Turkeys and Steel Curtain get a bye in Week 14.
- Wildcard Round:
- Seed 3 Hunka Hunka Bernie Love vs. Seed 6 CRUSHERS
- Seed 4 Jobu Needs a Refill vs. Seed 5 Cranjis McBasketball
And for the Six Teams on the Outside Looking In…
A special shout-out to the franchises currently not in the postseason picture. Hope is not lost, but the math is starting to carry a clipboard and whisper things you don’t want to hear.
Red Zone Assassins (5-6): The only team capable of scoring 140 one week and 78 the next. Pure chaos ball.
Droppin’ Deuces (5-6): Living up to the name with remarkable consistency. One more stumble and it’s septic tank season.
The Shottenheimers (5-6): The league’s most talented 103-point team. Every week Chris is one big play away… from losing by eight instead of ten.
Romulan Warbirds (5-6): Capable of beating anyone except the teams on their schedule.
The Year (4-7): Neil’s roster has two personalities: "World Beaters" and "Witness Protection Program." Unfortunately, the wrong one shows up most Sundays.
Buffalo Soldier (3-8): Dave’s team feels like a prestige drama. Beautiful, emotional, award-worthy… and canceled before the finale.
Heads up, coaches!
The league trade deadline is NFL Week 12.
That means once the first game kicks off on Sunday of Week 12, all trading shuts down.
No exceptions. No last-second panic swaps. No “my app glitched” excuses.
If you want to wheel and deal, do it before kickoff Sunday.
Good luck, and may your final trades not age like milk.
Trade Block Update
Players on the Block:
- Patrick Mahomes QB KC
- Daniel Jones QB IND
- Baker Mayfield QB TB
